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Don't Go to Bed Mad

Day 7: The Wisdom
to Know the Difference

Today’s Easy Relationship Task: Learn how to take what you know and what you’ve been through to make better decisions when problems pop up.

By Dr. Roz

New to the Christian Power Couple’s Challenge: Conflict Management Edition? Learn more about it HERE...

Need to catch up? Click on the link where you left off and then come back!

Day 1: Serenity for Perpetual Problems
Day 2: Courage to Change What You Can
Day 3: Change Your View
Day 4: Don’t Wait to Do it BIG!
Day 5: Make Date Nights Fresh Again
Day 6: Weather Your Storms

Today’s Easy Relationship Task: Learn how to take what you know and what you’ve been through to make better decisions when problems pop up. 

How to love on this task:

  • Get clear on the difference between solvable and perpetual problems.
  • Learn what wise people do differently to make better decisions. 
  • Identify your top types of problems. 

Listen Now- Don't Go to Bed Mad Challenge: (Day Seven) The Wisdom to Know the Difference

Welcome to Day Seven! 

I can’t believe the challenge is over! 

I’m thrilled that you’ve stuck it out with me. We’ve covered how to improve acceptance for issues you can’t change and how to courageously change what and who 👀you can.

Now let’s talk wisdom, by first reflecting on what the Serenity Prayer means in terms of wisdom for your relationship. Click the drop-downs to learn more about each component of Wisdom.

“I’m asking for the ability to use my emotional and rational mind to see the big picture 

 so I am more aware of how to handle the type of issue we are really facing.

Know The Difference between your problems

Let’s recap: IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP, there are two types of conflicts: solvable and perpetual.

Solvable problems are based on a situation and most of the time has to do with specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible. Once solvable problems are resolved, you can move on without having to address the issue again. 

Perpetual problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality styles, beliefs, and values. 

Activity: Tell the Difference 

Below are different situations of conflict.  For each one, decide whether you think it’s solvable or perpetual. 

Boy Bye! Elise want to spend less time with Joel and more time with her friends. Joel says this makes him feel abandoned.  Elise says that she needs time away from him.  He seems very need to her, and she’s feeling suffocated by him. 

Choose and then click below to see the correct answer. 

Nope. 

Yep. This is talking about a core difference between Elise and Joel in their personalities and what they need from each other to feel close and connected. This probably ain’t gonna change–they’ll need to adjust to it. 

Ladies Night. Helena gets together with her friends every Monday night.  Johnathan wants her to take a class together with him, but the class is only held on Monday nights.  Helena doesn’t want to give up her girl’s night out. 

Choose and then click below to see the correct answer. 

Yes. Helena and Johnathan can fix this issue alota different ways.  Maybe they could switch it up: one week do the class and the next week ladies’ night.  Or her friends might be willing the switch to another night.  Or Johnathan could find another class on another night or on the weekend.  Or one of them could agree to sacrifice: give up the class or the girl’s night.  

Naw, this can change. 

Burning a Hole in that Pocket. Mike just inherited $2,000 from his great-aunt.  He wants to use it to buy home exercise equipment.  But Mary thinkgs they should save it for a down payment on a house.  Mike says the inheritance isn’t enough to make a dent in a down payment, so why not use it for something they can enjoy right away?  But Mary believes that every little bit adds up and that they have to save as much as they can all the time. 

Choose and then click below to see the correct answer. 

Yes. Mike and Mary may see things different about their savings, but their conflict over money doesn’t appear symbolic.  Instead, its a straightforward difference of opinion about what to do with Mike’s inheritance.  So they could probably find a straightforward compromise.  Maybe spend some of the it on exercise stuff and save the rest. 

Naw, this can change. 

Bad Tipper. Sarah thinks Ryan is stingy about tipping waiters, cabdrivers, and everybody and they momma.  This is annoying as crap because she believes that a strong, sexxy man is someone who is also generous.  When she’s disappointed with Ryan, she gets very contemptuous (remember we talked about contempt in Day 2?) of him. Meanwhile, Ryan believes that Sarah is too loose with their money, which makes him nervous.  To him, money represents security and a sense of control over his life, so it’s hard to give any of it up. 

Choose and then click below to see the correct answer. 

Nope. 

Great Job! Money has very different meanings to Ryan and Sarah.  Since the symbolic significance of money is usually rooted in childhood experiences, it’s unlikely that Ryan will natural get with it and turn into a big tipper.  It’s also pretty slim that Sarah will suddenly become a couponer.  But if they work together on this perpetual problem (especially Sarah’s contempt about this issue), it won’t be such a big sore spot. 

The true mom would rather give her baby up than see her ripped into two.
Dr. Meredith Grey
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital Surgical Chief

You both need wisdom to see through the B.S. of your problems and get to the best solution  

I only watch tv on Thursday night.  This is my  sixty minutes to laugh, holler, and cry without anyone asking what’s wrong.  They already know:

Do. Not. Bother. Me. and  Do. Not. Call. My. Name.

Grey’s Anatomy is on.

So…once upon a Thursday night (Trust me. I’m going somewhere with this.)…

You may remember this one: Callie and Arizona, two lesbian physicians, were going their separate ways after a break-up.  Callie wanted to move to New York with a new love interest and was determined to take their daughter, Sophia, with her.  Arizona wanted Sophia to stay in Seattle.

This should have been easy: whoever was birth mom would take Sophia.  However, due to modern-day science, it was a little more complicated.  Which resulted in a nasty custody fight that pulled everybody into court.  Their mutual friends were forced to pick sides and testify. 

Who was the real mom? Who was the better mom?

Who was the more available doctor mom who actually had time to be a mother (Arizona had 97 emergencies during trial alone: Callie had less than 30)?

A judge would have the final say-so.    

Doesn’t this sound familiar?

I was blown to pieces that Shonda Rhimes, who birthed this A-mazing show, took us to church once upon a Thursday night. 

This one episode was straight outta the Bible!  

If you haven’t read the story, turn in your bible to Kings 3:16-28. Two prostitutes went to King Solomon, a judge, hoping he could solve their problem.  Both were claiming to be the mother of this one baby. And no one knew who the real mother was!

Apparently, they both lived in the same house and no one else was there. After one mom had had a son, three days later, the other mother had a son who died after she accidentally slept on him.

Somebody got up at midnight and did a baby switch!  The next morning, the mother of the live child realized that that boy she woke up to nurse wasn’t her baby.

Ain’t that a hott mess?

How did either judge decide who was the real mother? In a nutshell, the answer is wisdom.

King Solomon was about to halve the boy with a sword when one prostitute shouted “O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it.” But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.”

He knew this test would reveal who the real mother was.

Meanwhile, after Arizona ran out of court for the umpteenth time, to save a baby, I was sure the judge would give Sophia to Callie. But he didn’t. And the look on Callie’s face for stirring up all this foolishness: priceless

While Callie was fighting to run off with her new boo, somewhere during the testimony, the judge realized that Arizona just wanted Sophia to be happy. She was not willing to fight anymore, at the expense of tearing their daughter’s life apart (insert my tear drops).

I said all that to say this: It takes wisdom to make confident decisions. 

Wisdom involves an integration of knowledge, experience, and deep understanding that incorporates tolerance for the uncertainties of life as well as its ups and downs.
Psychology Today

When You know better, you do something different (and better).  

Wisdom is the complete opposite of Insanity. You already know the definition of Insanity: to do the same thing over and over expecting different results. Wisdom is about taking what you know, what you’ve been through, looking at many angles, and being okay with going with the flow. 

When you choose wisdom over being blind for the sake of doing what you wanna do, your relationship will be different.

Here are 10 things wise people do differently:

  1. Consider many different perspectives of a situation rather than black and white thinking.
  2. Are open to new ways of thinking.
  3. Have a tolerance for the uncertainties of life as well as its ups and downs.
  4. Are aware of how things play out over time.
  5. Are optimistic that life’s problems can be solved.
  6. Experience a certain amount of calm in facing difficult decisions.
  7. Act on behalf of the common good but also make sure that personal needs are met.
  8. Strive for harmony among competing demands and goals.
  9. Seek to understand the motives of others rather than judge their behavior.
  10. Use experience as a teacher to make better decisions by relying on both emotions and logic.

Action Step: Identify your solvable vs. perpetual problems

Describe the conflict.

Create at least 3 scenarios of past and current conflicts in your relationship. 

Tell the difference.

Decide whether you think it’s solvable or perpetual.  

Use your wisdom for the common good. 

Discuss with your partner what you now know (or confirmed). Talk about these problems in constructive ways and figure out how to make peace or reach partial or temporary solutions. 

🗣️friends don't let their friends go to bed mad.