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Don't Go to Bed Mad

Day 6: Weather Your Storms

Today’s Easy Relationship Task: Take action to address past emotional wounds or fights without getting back into the fight again.

By Dr. Roz

New to the Christian Power Couple’s Challenge: Conflict Management Edition? Learn more about it HERE...

Need to catch up? Click on the link where you left off and then come back!

Day 1: Serenity for Perpetual Problems
Day 2: Courage to Change What You Can
Day 3: The Power of the Positive Perspective
Day 4: Don’t Wait to Do it BIG!
Day 5: Make Date Nights Fresh Again

Today’s Easy Relationship Task: Take action to address past emotional wounds or fights without getting back into the fight again.

How to love on this task:

  • Identify three myths couples tell themselves about make ups.
  • Read the concept of Processing.
  • Learn the five step model for an effective repair conversation.
  • Use today’s fondness exercise to reflect on your relationship storms.

Listen Now- Don't Go to Bed Mad Challenge: (Day Six) Weather Your Storms

Welcome to Day Six! 

Today, we’ll tackle how to handle the baggage of your own relationship. 

Break up to makeup, that's all we do. First you love me, then you hate me; that's a game for fools.
The Stylistics
An American, Philadelphia Soul Group my momma and daddy listened to on Saturday Morning Cleanup Day

Remember the other day when I asked you to think about your last fight and examine whether it was something you could actually fix? And the most important part, that you actually can’t solve 69% of your issues? Well that was true: your relationship does have perpetual problems that won’t ever go away.

Doing the math, that leaves 31% for solvable problems.  

But that’s not all! 

Today, we’re going to address some hidden figures: old stuff that should have been written off like last year’s tax deductions. But you can’t write this off because you can’t forget about IT. 

And you won’t let your partner forget about IT, or vice versa.  Just when either of you think it’s finally over, IT becomes extra ammunition for round two hundred of the same, never-ending fight.  

Why does IT keep happening?

10 times out of 9, this is not a perpetual problem.  

It’s the unfinished business after a fight.  

In my humble opinion, the majority of us get stuck on the playground in Mrs. Ward’s K5 class.  We learned that if you get into a scuffle with your classmate, you’re supposed to tell an adult, hug it out, and get back out there.  If you don’t hug, you’re going to the principal’s office. It was simple and effective conflict management. For kids.

As adults, there’s no Mrs. Ward.

So we fight, but fighting gets old. You get tired. Your partner wants to call a truce. 

Why some fights are not Done-Done

You’re both just ready to make up and be done with it already. but they’re rarely ever done-done because of these 3 common myths couples tell themselves about what to do after a fight:

  1. Kiss and makeup. While kissing makes you feel better in the moment and can lead to make up nookie, here lies the tombstone of your relationship. With no plan to make sure that what just happened doesn’t happen again, it’s a superficial, temporary resolution that is out of turn.
  2. Forgive and Forget. Usually, the hurt partner is asked to forgive and forget so that the situation doesn’t keep coming back up. But we know people have a difficult time letting go of something that still hurts.
  3. Just Get Over It. Often this advice is given after IT keeps coming up over and over. It would seem that time would heal and you would drop it. Nope. Time doesn’t heal, action within time does.  I know women who have waited 3, 5, 10, and 20 years to get over it.   
 If this sounds like your relationship, I want you to know that you both can move past this.
  
Power Couples have learned that in order to truly move forward, you must TRUST. THE. PROCESS.  
5.1/10

You can’t kiss it away. 

3.5/10

You can’t forgive it away. 

0.5/10

You shole can’t get-over-it-away. Boo.👎😶

Make like a Chicken (aka go through the process)

A few years ago, I worked as a Training Manager at Sanderson Farms. My job was to provide all sorts of classes to supervisors and managers. 

Loved their chicken but had no idea about the poultry industry. Step one was to learn the operation so that I could speak their language. 

For the first few weeks, I spent my time on a chicken farm, at a hatchery, and then in a processing plant. 

I watched baby chicks being born and grown chicks…make it all the way to being frozen and shipped off to Russia.

I’d had an aerial view of the entire process and it made me better at doing my job. 

Just as you can’t eat a chick fresh off the farm, you can’t get over a fight until you both process it.

The Five Steps to Process Past Fights

  1. Feelings. Share how you felt. 
  2. Realities. Take turns describing your “reality” of what happened.
  3. Triggers. Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for you.
  4. Responsibility. Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident.
  5. Constructive Plans. Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time. 

Action Step: Complete the Fondness Exercise

Remember that every positive thought counts and adds to your relationship’s emotional bank account. Complete the Fondness exercise below. 

  • image title

    Thought:
    Relationships are sometimes a struggle. But it's worth it.

  • image title

    Task: Write one difficult time you successfully weathered together.

🗣️friends don't let their friends go to bed mad.