There are 3 types of relationships, as I see them: Good, Bad, Toxic- Toxic relationships are known for emotional, physical, or sexual abuse which leaves one person feeling like the victim and the other feeling powerful. If you’re in an abusive relationship, get help from a supportive friend or organization. I’ve left some resources below but today we’re talking about the subtle differences between how couples respond to each other that makes their relationship either erode or elevate over time. This list is not exhaustive obviously, BUT here are some MAIN differences:
Acquaintances vs. Friends
Bad Relationship Couples are Acquaintances who don’t really know each other, but know each other enough to like each other; they don’t take the time to get to know each other because they think they know everything they need to know.
Good Relationship Couples are friends. They may not be BEST FRIENDS. Generally, They feel known by each other in many areas of their life (i.e., my partner knows my desires, what I’m afraid of, people who are important to me, and what keeps me up at night)
Compete vs. Compliment
Bad Relationship Couples compete against each other and highlight what they’re better at!
Good Relationship couples compliment their partner and notice what they’re good at.
Rejecting vs. Accepting
Bad Relationship Couples are dismissive of their partner’s need for attention, affection, conversation, intimacy.
Good Relationship Couples are tuned into when their partner has a need and finds some way to honor it whether laughing at a corny joke, leaning in for a kiss, helping with the dishes/car wash, or putting down paperwork for a really important conversation.
Closed vs. Open to Compromise
Bad Relationship Couples have no flexibility when it comes to resolving issues. They make each other feel wrong for having a different opinion and see compromise as settling. May value others’ opinion over their partners, even if they’re saying the same thing.
Good Relationship Couples know their inflexible areas but spend time trying to be flexible with what doesn’t dishonor their own core needs. And they are more interested in finding a way for the relationship to win, knowing that that’s a win for them too.
Bad Listeners vs. Good Listeners
Listening is a skill, and it takes time to really learn how to listen. But here’s a distinct difference in how each couple listens.
Bad Relationship Couples are bad listeners, many times listening with logic, jumping to conclusions without fully hearing their partner and listening enough to defend their point.
Good Relationship Couples may not be great listeners, but they are good listeners. They listen with logic and emotion, are able to read in between the lines of what they’re significant other is actually saying, give undivided attention when listening, and listen to understand so they can address concerns and make sure their partner feels heard before they share their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.
Build a Better Relationship
There are obvious differences between good and bad relationships, but sometimes we are more accepting of a bad relationship because it doesn’t feel toxic. The problem is that over time, these relationships don’t last.
Couples in bad relationships don’t really know each other and spend most of their time competing against each other, rejecting needs, not willing to compromise, not listening, acting jealous of their partners’ choices/accomplishments, and tearing down the relationship. Good relationship couples feel like friends and spend their time valuing what their partner brings to the relationship table and focus on acceptance, appreciation, validation, compromise. They are genuinely happy when their partner is winning because they share a sense of “we-ness” and build each other up.
- I’m curious to know what resonated with you? Are you in a particularly good relationship or a bad one? If it’s not as good as you want it, what areas need improvement? Let me know in the comments.
RESOURCES:
