Learn common mistakes couples make when talking about doing IT that make your love life dull and boring and how to spice it up whether you’re looking to be more romantic or wild.
Have you ever played possum when it’s time to do IT because somebody’s too rough when they touch you? Or you know it’ll only last 29 seconds? Or, or…you only want oral sex and she wants the whole shabangum? Or, or, or…there’s not any foreplay (dinner, movie, desserts, wine, cuddling) and he just wants to dive right in?
Several years ago, I lay in bed listening to the sound of my husband taking a shower. As soon as the water was off, there went the banging and clanging underneath the sink. And the opening and closing of doors. The toilet flushed again.
I rolled onto my belly.
The light from the bathroom evaded the sea of shadows in our room. From the tiny slits of my eyes, it was clear that he was wrapped in a towel.
I grew still, eyes nailed shut.
He neared my side of the bed. A cold, wet hand surfaced midthigh.
I knew what was coming next. A gentle voice said, “hey, you sleep?”
I didn’t respond. I thought, “my lifeless body should speak for itself. No one’s home.”
That was me. The possum. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the reasons I didn’t like sex. Or didn’t want sex. Or believed that sex felt like another thing on my to-do list.
He also didn’t know what Mama Nellie, my grandma, told me when I was a fourteen year old girl. I’d gotten cornered into a birds-and-the-bees convo one evening after school. She said, “Don’t be in a rush to get married. All a man wants to do is make you do what he wants you to do and have sex.”
That was me, still rejecting sex as a married woman.
And that was him, getting rejected again.
And that was part of the breakdown of our marriage.
It’s hard for couples to talk openly their physical relationship, including needs and desires. When you do talk, without getting clear about it, misunderstandings and unmet needs are common.
It’s important to talk about sex so you create the space that you both feel safe to open up. Share your fears, expectations, and desires to help you connect in more satisfying ways.
Be careful not to criticize and highlight what you don’t like. Focus on what you DO want. Instead of saying, “You’re too rough when you touch me”, speak up for more of the stuff you like, “I really like it when you touched me softly.”
John Gottman’s research proves that criticism in any area of your relationship causes your partner to become defensive.
Especially when it comes to such a sensitive topic and when vulnerability is on the line, you should be careful and watch what and how you say it.
In the same breadth, you should try not to take it personal when it comes to trying something different and finding new ways of exploring, experimenting and expressing love.
Let your partner know occasionally (or more) that he or she is FINE! And desirable to you.
Give compliments, surprise gifts, poems, and daily messages that show “you’re special”.
Either is really OKAY. A mix is great because, let’s face it, sometimes you don’t have time to make this HUGE Fifty Shades of a romantic night. So, please find 10 minutes and make it the best 10 minutes. Most of all have fun, aigggghhhhttt?
If you think something your partner wants to do is gross, ask yourself “Why does this bother me?” It could moreso relate to a trigger than their request to get a lil’ more creative. Have a honest conversation before you shoot things down.
I love this deck! It’s for the wild and mild. Here’s some cards I shuffled.
1. Describe what you love about your partner’s face.
2. Give each other a foot massage.
1. Go to a beautiful and private outdoor place, and make love.
2. Give your partner a full body massage, then make love.
1. Act out a fantasy of your choice. Here’s some examples:
a. Two strangers on a plane.
b. Professor and a student (ooh, lala)
c. Masseuse and customer (spiceeeyyy)
2. Read an erotic book out loud together.
Want more ideas about how you can have a playful, passionate relationship?
Now, what’s one insight or key takeaway you got from this article? What’s something you’d like to try differently to keep the passion burning in your love life? Leave a comment below and let me know.
Important: please share your thoughts and ideas directly in the comments. Links to other posts, videos, etc. may be removed.
Eliminate 69% of fights and change your love life tonight -even if you’re considering divorce.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing ideas, opinions, and aha’s with a growing community of folks who are committed to making their relationships work. You are truly appreciated.
Sending so much love your way,
Don't go to bed mad and use this step-by-step relationship guide to eliminate 69% of fights and change your love life tonight-even if you’re thinking divorce.