Roslyn Ashford
Individual and Couples Counseling
The beginner's guide to
Starting Counseling for Black Couples
There is no such thing as a black couples therapist.
I mean, I am black. And I am a couples therapist. But it is not a specialty nor is there a different set of codes or rules that help your relationship work versus that of couples of other ethnicities. There are unique challenges, and in this guide, we’ll cover those challenges faced by black couples and why couples therapy is a great strategy to repair or strengthen your relationship.
Is your relationship in trouble right now? Or do you want to prevent trouble before it kills the hope of being with your person for the rest of your life? Do you want a safe space to fix this? Having a supportive and effective space can make the difference of going deeply into the frustrations, worries, insecurities, and ghosts of the past that block you from the relationship you want. Not having one can make you shrug your shoulders, shake your head back and forth, and prematurely throw your relationship down the toilet while believing, “I knew this wouldn’t work”.
In a nutshell, that is how therapy works. It only works when you’re ready to do the work and feel safe enough. I say enough because the truth is that obviously a therapist is not your best friend. Your best friend might listen but then give some really, really bad advice. Or they might pause thoughtfully just before telling you, their problems. A good therapist doesn’t give advice. We give tools, skills, and guidance that pushes you to grow. That requires an openness and vulnerability to the process. If you’re searching for a safe and inclusive space with an effective couples therapist near you, you’ll also learn how to get started.
- Welcome and hello.Here’s everything you’ll learn in this guide:
Black Love challenges we can’t afford to ignore
To name a few hurdles, divorce rates are higher among black couples, we still feel some-type-of-way about expressing negative emotions, and the idea of going to therapy is just now becoming less taboo. As a result, many singles get in relationships carrying untreated trauma, unprocessed grief, and trust issues. #Heal. Here are some other challenges that disrupt the happiness of black couples.
The Black Love images create unrealistic expectations & intolerance for real couple problems.
I love seeing black love. The black love memes. The reels, shorts, and artwork. With their matching outfits, poses, and inspiration that true love exists. And it does. Social media has proven that happy black couples are not unicorns: they do exist. But social media has also created a frustration for the melanin woman who looks in the mirror of her struggling, sometimes hanging-on-by-a-thread relationship, as she asks, What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t we be like that?
Watching too many Black Love movies have led to unmet, unrealistic expectations. And the divorce rate keeps climbing. We need more healthy relationship role models and less BIG egos. We want to be power couples, but we get stuck in power struggles. Because we take on too much. Then stress overtakes us, making us irritable and short-tempered at home.
Here’s the big picture. No matter how cute, educated, wealthy, or loving they are, every black couple has relationship problems. And if they say they don’t, somebody’s lying, wearing a mask, or avoiding conflict really, really well.
Trying to solve every problem is dysfunctional
Every couple has a set of problems they’re working with. According to The Gottman Institute, a leader in relationship research, problems come in two flavors: solvable and unsolvable (perpetual). What if you’ve been trying to solve problems that were never actually solvable or don’t know how to problem-solve situations you actually can fix? Things might get (in)tense. Many couples are successful once they understand and learn how to manage the problems they have while creating a “team-us-against-the-world” relationship at the same time.
I need to mention here (for legal purposes) that some dysfunctional problems cannot be solved. I repeat, don’t tolerate foolishness for love. Many of us have developed a higher tolerance for pain, especially if you’ve experienced childhood trauma. This is not about tolerating pain so that you can stay in a relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, RUN and click this link.
Asking for help too late increases the chance of severe problems
Dr. John Gottman revealed that certain negative communication patterns in your relationship predict an early divorce, just 5.6 years after the wedding. In the same study, he found that “the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for marital problems” (1994). So technically, you could be ready for divorce before you even ask for help to save your marriage? Inserts forehead slap.
So what, if you’ve passed the date of asking for help. Divorces and breakups are predictable due to years of studying actual couples, which also means that the path to preventing a divorce or breakup is very clear.
"I honestly thought the marriage was over and wanted divorce mediation, until we did a few sessions. Now I'm initiating intimacy and he's talking more.
— L.J., Accountant & Entrepreneur
How does therapy versus couples therapy work?
Therapy and couples therapy serve distinct but equally valuable purposes in addressing individuals’ and couples’ mental health and relationship concerns. Individual therapy typically focuses on exploring your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and personal experiences within the context of your life. You work through personal challenges, gain self-awareness, and develop coping skills to manage symptoms of mental health conditions, navigate life transitions, or address personal growth goals.
On the other hand, couples therapy, also known as couples counseling or marriage counseling, is specifically designed to address relationship issues and improve communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction. The relationship is the client. Couples therapy involves you and your partner attending sessions, where you can explore and address your relationship dynamics, identify areas of conflict or dissatisfaction, and work together to find solutions and strengthen your bond. Couples therapy may involve exploring each of your perspectives, addressing communication patterns, resolving conflicts, rebuilding trust, and enhancing emotional connection.
While individual therapy focuses primarily on your internal experiences and personal growth, couples therapy centers around the dynamics between partners and the interactions that shape their relationship. Both forms of therapy can be highly effective in promoting mental wellness and relationship harmony, depending on your specific needs and goals.
What specific issues can a couples therapist help with?
Overall, couples therapists are trained to address a wide range of relationship issues and concerns, providing a supportive and nonjudgmental space for couples to explore their challenges, strengthen their connection, and work towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Some specific issues that a couples therapist may help you address include:
1. Improving Communication Problems
Most couples start therapy because they have a hard time communicating with each other. In general, most people do not communicate well. It’s hard to listen when you have something else you want to say. Hard to speak if you keep getting cut off. It’s easy to have a misunderstanding. To make things more complicated, try talking to someone you have unresolved issues with. Another layer of tension. Another moment when what you said is misinterpreted. A couples therapist teaches how to discuss sensitive or hot-button topics and helps you learn to listen to each other more effectively and express your needs and emotions in constructive ways.
2. Resolving conflicts in a healthy and respectful way
Not only can poor communication lead to your inability to work through conflict, but strong emotions also make it hard to remain calm, rational, and empathetic during disagreements. Couples therapists can teach strategies for resolving conflicts in a healthy and respectful manner, helping you find common ground and fight like you love each other.
It’s a thing.
Have you ever noticed people fight who hate each other? It’s vicious. They don’t care what is said. They’re not worried about your feelings. Like my mother said, “they go for blood”. If your disagreements look like you’re in a civil war, it erodes trust and intimacy. But there’s a way to fight with someone so they know that you do still love them.
3. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal
Betrayal can cause deep emotional wounds making it hard to trust and get back together. The foundation is shaken, and you feel unsure about how your partner feels about you, their intentions, their reliability, or if they can be loyal now. Healing takes time but is not likely when you are constantly triggered by the betrayal or if the affair has not ended. But you can move forward. There’s been great success with couples whose relationships have fallen apart due to betrayal. It just takes work. Couples therapists help you understand what went wrong and move through the chaos and into re-establishing a foundation of honesty, transparency, and accountability in the relationship.
4. Reconnecting emotionally and sexually
Everything from stress to not being satisfied with the relationship can influence intimacy. You might need to breakthough miscommunication, trust issues, work and money stress, find ways to improve quality time, and gradually work your way back into a sensual sexual life. Couples therapists can help you reconnect emotionally and sexually, explore intimacy barriers, and foster a deeper emotional bond and physical closeness.
5. Managing parenting style differences
You wanted children but now you have different approaches to parenting. This is common because your upbringing, beliefs, values, perhaps cultural backgrounds are different. Addressing parenting and family dynamics issues often requires you to communicate openly, collaborate effectively, and prioritize the well-being of your children. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also help you develop strategies for co-parenting, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your relationship as you navigate the challenges of parenthood together.
6. Adjusting to major life changes
When a house does not have a solid foundation and a tornado hits, there is likely to be some damage. As for relationships, when it is not solid and life happens, it can decrease your relationship satisfaction. Addressing problems with adjusting to major life changes often requires you to communicate openly, support each other emotionally, and adapt to new circumstances together. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also help you develop coping strategies, strengthen your resilience, and navigate the challenges of major life changes more effectively.
7. Addressing money disagreements
When it comes to money, you may have different attitudes, beliefs, and priorities when could lead to conflict related to spending, saving, or budgeting. You might have incompatible financial habits or goals that affect how you manage money together. You can work with a financial advisor or a couples therapist who can help you navigate the financial conflicts, develeop effective money management strategies, and strengthen your relationship.
8. Accepting each other’s differences
I mentioned early that we have two types of relationship problems: solvable and perpetual (unsolvable). Only 31% of problems are solvable. Thirty-one percent. That means that nearly seventy percent are unsolvable. Why? Because these problems relate to differences in cultural backgrounds, values, beliefs, or religious practices. These problems require you to find ways to honor and respect each other’s perspectives. Couples therapy can help you identify your problems, appropriately categorize them, and provide useful problem-solving and acceptance tools.
9. Preparing for Marriage
Pre-marital counseling is IMPORTANT. Don’t skip this step. Period. If you’ve crossed the threshold and are committed to each other, you’ll need to explore your expectations, values, and goals for the future, and develop skills for building a strong and resilient partnership. It takes a balanced approach: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. And even if you were born in a family filled with loving healthy, black love role models, couples therapy can help you understand how relationships work and prepare you for a long-term, life-long future together.
10. Guiding you through separation or divorce
A couples therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for you to express your feelings, process emotions, and receive validation and empathy from each other. The goal is to help facilitate constructive and respectful communication between you during the separation or divorce process. That includes co-parenting guidance, conflict resolution, getting closure and acceptance, and healing to move forward. This does present an opportunity for personal healing and growth. Couples therapists can help partners explore their individual needs, values, and goals, and empower them to embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal development.
How long does couples therapy typically last?
The length of couples therapy varies depending on your concerns. In terms of time, sessions range between 50 to 90 minutes. When it comes to completing therapy, it depends. All therapy starts with an in-depth assessment, which allows the opportunity to have a clear picture of the relationship history, challenges, and individual roles in relationship problems. Some couples working through less severe issues, like premarital counseling, may resolve their concerns in 6 to 8 sessions (doing your homework in between). Most issues in couples therapy can be resolved within 20 sessions. Keep in mind that you are not working through Every. Single. Issue. Once, you’re comfortable practicing the skills and using the recommended tools, you can do the work on your own.
How to get started with me as your couples therapist
As a professional therapist, I am licensed to practice in Mississippi, Texas, and Florida. I understand that taking the first step towards couples therapy can feel daunting, but it’s an important and courageous decision that can lead to positive changes in your relationship. To get started with couples therapy, the first thing you’ll want to do is schedule an initial consultation with me or another qualified couples therapist. During this initial session, we’ll have the opportunity to discuss your concerns, goals, and expectations for therapy, as well as get to know each other and determine if we’re a good fit to work together.
Before your first session, it can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your relationship and what you hope to achieve through therapy. Think about the specific issues or challenges you’re facing, as well as any goals or changes you’d like to see in your relationship. It’s also important to approach therapy with an open mind and a willingness to explore difficult emotions and experiences together with your partner.
Final thoughts
Remember that therapy is a process, and meaningful change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate the ups and downs of therapy. By committing to the therapeutic process and actively engaging in sessions, you can cultivate a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship with your partner. You are deserving of love, joy, and a peaceful, prosperous relationship.
Any questions? Let me know in the comments or check out Ask Dr. Roz.
Couples Therapist Serving Black Couples in Mississippi, Texas, and Florida
We help who we can help. That’s why we only work with cases that align with our professional experience.
Schedule a Phone Consultation
Fifteen minutes can save you tons of money on car insurance AND give you a chance to explore your concerns with no obligation to move forward. I’ll answer as many questions as possible.
Complete an Assessment
If we were fixing a broken leg, you’d need the x-ray first. But we’re mending the heart and brain, so you still need a x-ray. It’s the only way to determine how to help. So no, we can’t skip it and just dive into “fixing your life” (pun intended).
Turn Lemons into Lemonade
Counseling is where victims become survivors and anger finds peace. Where the pain of the past meets the promise of a hopeful future. Your greatest purpose. And confusion becomes clarity. Welcome the process and meet a transformed you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Not at all. People who ask for help know when they need it and have the courage to reach out. Everyone needs help now and then. In our work together, I’ll help you explore and identify your strengths and how to implement them to reduce the influence of the problems you are facing.
The difference is between someone who can do something, and someone who has the training and experience to do that same thing professionally. A mental health professional can help you approach your situation in a new way– teach you new skills, gain different perspectives, listen to you without judgment or expectations, and help you listen to yourself. Furthermore, counseling is completely confidential. You won’t have to worry about others “knowing my business.” Lastly, if your situation provokes a great deal of negative emotion, and you’ve been confiding in a friend or family member, there is the risk that once you are feeling better you could start avoiding that person so you aren’t reminded of this difficult time in your life.
Medication can be effective but it alone cannot solve all issues. Sometimes medication is needed in conjunction with counseling. Our work together is designed to explore and unpack the problems you are experiencing and expand on your strengths that can help you accomplish your personal goals.
Because each person has different issues and goals for counseling, it will be different depending on the individual. I tailor my therapeutic approach to your specific needs.
Unfortunately, this is not possible to say in a general FAQs page. Everyone’s circumstances are unique to them and the length of time counseling can take to allow you to accomplish your goals depends on your desire for personal development, your commitment, and the factors that are driving you to seek counseling in the first place.
I am so glad you are dedicated to getting the most out of your sessions. Your active participation and dedication will be crucial to your success.
premarital counseling
Unlock the keys to relationship success
When you’re considering marriage, deciding on your honeymoon or figuring out where you want to live are among the first things you start to plan. Premarital counseling might be last on your list if it’s there at all. While it’s not an engagement topic that’s very fun or romantic, premarital counseling can set your marriage up to succeed and survive long-term, in spite of the odds.
Divorce/breakup recovery therapy
Release. Reset. Rebuild. Reconnect. Recharge.
Breakup/Divorce recovery therapy can help you cope with the emotional and mental toll that often comes with the end of a relationship.
trauma counseling
Let go so you can love.
The effects of lasting trauma can cause you to live with deep emotional pain, fear, confusion, or posttraumatic stress far after the event has passed. Therapy is fundamental to healing from trauma.
We're a good fit if...
You’re ready for change and freedom
Readiness comes with a hint of resistance, a little fear of the unknown, and some self-doubt. You might wonder if this can work for you. If you’re ready for change, its the start you need to propel you towards actionable steps.
You’re an action-taker
Homework is where the magic happens. Change requires action. Do the work and you will see a noticeable difference in your life.
You want to hit the next milestone
#RelationshipGoals are celebrated. Whether you want to level up to a better relationship or strengthen this one, we’ll create a clear vision to help you get there.
